Finding Purpose in your Pain

Lately, I’ve had to brace up and get back to reality. I’ve had to resume going to the office again and attend church on sunday. I even attempted going for a 10 year old birthday party just to try and soothe how i feel.

Have I mentioned that once you lose a loved one, everything stops abruptly? Your schedule, routine and everything that used to matter becomes irrelevant.

Going back to work has been difficult. Why? Because not everyone understands that you do not feel like laughing at their jokes (which is supposed to make you feel better) or how unsettling giving a recount of what happened makes you start crying all over.

Some people have been exceptional and I am grateful for those ones who seem to have a tiny idea of what you are actually going through.

My most recent encounter was days ago. A colleague stopped by my office to give his condolences. He explained how he lost two close family members in the space of four days and how helpless he was for a while. He went ahead to remind me that i could not do anything physically rather i should decide to find a way to soothe the pain I feel.

He shared his own painful experience to encourage me and I felt a little lighter….just a little. 

Apparently, if ‘you’ve been there and done that’, your story becomes a source of encouragement to others.

After he left, I thought about what purpose I could get off the pain I feel at the moment. I feel like I have always been able to handle whatever bad situation life throws at me. 

Not like i have had a lot of bad situations but little things like….. channeling my anger into reading a lot more (while in university) and it always paid off. Then, I have always been able to block out memories, incidents or people that are toxic to me and I did/still do that well too.

However, what I have never been faced with is, having to find ways to soothe my pain because of the loss of a loved one. It’s all so new to me and I’m just asking myself, Is crying and feeling bad all that I can really do?

Somewhere in all of this, I’ve had to console my mum as well. Everyone says you need to be strong and you need to be strong for you mum too. I guess it’s easier when you have people that can grieve with you.

Being able to find ‘good’ in pain is difficult. Everyone faces a different kind of pain but if you ask me, bearing the loss of a loved one has to be the most depressing.

As much as everyone encourages you to be strong, the healing process is not instantaneous. It will take a long time and this brings me to the first point about finding purpose in pain.

  • Do not be in a hurry to heal.

I do not understand why any will think it’s going to be so easy to heal and soothe the pain you feel. For a matter of fact, allowing yourself to feel pain is the most crucial part to recovery. Do not try to feign strength when you are certainly not doing well. 

Cry, Reminisce, think of the good and bad times. You need to acknowledge your current situation.

  • Allow your family/friends to take care of you.

I have realised that you cannot survive on your own and you should not try to. When you are in your most difficult state, the last thing that should allow to overwhelm you is loneliness.

Take solace in the arms of a sister, brother, husband, wife, friend, mother etc. It is even more beneficial when such person has the right words/scripture and can also listen.

  • Gradually accept that life happened.

Regardless of the condition in which your reason for grief occurred, try to remember the two sides of the coin. There will always be good and bad, happiness and sadness, joy and sorrow, loss and gain, life and death, morning and night.

Trust in God for strenght and get closer to what you believe in.

Remember the aim is not to rush things or to stop grieving immediately. Rather, the aim is to gradually face reality. Your friends/family will have to go about their business at some point. 

The question is how will you fair when you are alone?

  • Finding purpose.

Everyone has a different way of reacting to pain. In the case of a losing a loved one, think about what they have always wanted for you.

If they have always wanted you to be happy, then plan to start being happy.

Think about what they remind you of, if they were philanthropists, then plan to follow that line in their honour.

If there is a project they have always wanted to start, plan to do something in that area.

Decide to share your story and lessons from your pain to other people going through the same ordeal. You will feel fulfilled when you realise that you can help/encourage a person in difficulty.

Like I mentioned in Meaningful Moments you should Never take for granted, difficult situations like this will make you re-evaluate your lifestyle.

I read that you cannot choose what experiences life throws at you, but you can choose how you want to live after that experience.

In your little corner, go over these questions:

How will this pain affect me going forward?

How has this pain changed my perception about life?

What burning desire has the pain birthed?

Will this pain be the basis for my new decisions?

How will this pain affect my relationship with others?

Before this occurrence, was I really happy with my lifestyle?

Are there things I now need to change?

A situation could affect you forever but we can choose if it affects us for good or for worse.

I am still on a journey, trying to soothe the pain I feel, mixed emotions, dealing with people’s excesses….I am not in a hurry for the pain to go away but thinking about these things and putting my thoughts down helps me manage my expectations.

How do you deal with pain?

I’ll love to read from you


43 thoughts on “Finding Purpose in your Pain

  1. One thing that has helped me through losing loved ones (particularly my mother and grandmother) was writing letters to them in a journal. It helped me feel as though I were sharing events with them the way I normally would have. Over time, I stopped feeling the need to write them so often. I also found symbolism in life’s small events – cardinals, which my grandmother loved, are her way of saying hello to me now and butterflies symbolize my mother. Don’t hurry yourself to feel better..grief is a process. A very painful process. Sending you virtual hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My close friend lost her dad a couple years ago, and she had to take on everything. So I told her to react and feel how she wanted. She tried to hide behind what needed to be done. Those around her wanted her to be the pillar, and didn’t allow her to experience her thoughts, and feelings. We drove out to a quiet place, and I had music playing so she could talk about whatever she wanted or cry about what she felt. Later, I got her chocolate, face wipes, and bubble bath. Healing is a process, and it doesn’t happen overnight. I don’t know why people expect those hurting to “get over it” or “go back to normal,” these things take time, and no one truly goes back to the same person they once more. Thank you for opening up, and sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Like glimmersofsilver, it was writing that really helped me after one brother and then one of my sisters died. I blogged through the whole process with my sister as she was in the hospital for a few weeks. I think writing really helped me come out the other side in a better place than I would have without writing through it.

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  4. I believe that only time will take the pain away. When I lost a close relative I started writing three positive things down on the paper each morning. I don’t know how, but it helped me to get through the tough time.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry to hear that you are going through such s difficult time just now but I do believe time is the only way to heal. You have to allow yourself to grieve knowing there’s light at the end of the tunnel-there are positive things to come and to look forward to💛

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  6. When i lost my dad i never hide my pain from family and friends. I took my time and tried to feel this pain as i knew it was the only way to get out of this. Time flies and feelings change. Bad and good feelings always come our way, we have to be patience and stay strong for us and of all the loved ones around us.

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  7. All I can say is having to ride through the pain, and never to be put on anyone else’s schedule for how you handle it. That doesn’t mean you want to wallow in your pain. But you shouldn’t have any expectations about your pain either. I know dealing with the death of my brother in law how hard it was with my ex. Every person is different.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’ve been in a real hard time after losing my daughter, but I can say that the most important thing was for me is to let other people take care of me.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Losing someone significant will always change you, forever! I think pain funnels down your inner self and strips you of so much unnecessary baggage – because you only have so much strength to deal with so much. My dad died 15 years ago and I am still grieving, it’s a forever change.
    Katja xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hi Phaytea,
    I am sorry for your loss. I have lost my father. My husband lost his late wife and from what he tells me your tips are valuable. My daughter is also losing a close friend at this time.
    I met you at Naya’s blog party. I came to meet you because he was indicated you wanted to check out other people’s content.
    Maybe you can check out my blog if you need any blogging tips. That’s what I write about. I also have blog parties like Naya.


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