Dear August

You hit me the hardest in all my years on earth.

It’s the last day in August I don’t feel lighter or better.

The way I feel about you now and will feel about you in years to come is not any fault of yours neither is it mine, but you now hold a date i always have to remember.

Usually, I would get excited about saving dates on my calender but this one brings tears to my eyes.

Painful tears because even if I decide not to save the date, it will forever be etched in my mind, soul, heart, body….every part of me.

Dear August, you started out nice like every new month (so I thought) but I always felt something was not right.

I was not my usual happy self, I tried to fight the bad feelings, I tried to replace them with good thoughts.

I felt a relationship will end…what relationship? I asked.

I tried to be more careful, more conscious, more aware, but I still could not help but think the worst.

My thoughts and state of mind led me to write 4 Reasons why worrying is good for you. 

I wrote it because I wanted to justify the reason for my weird feeling.

I wrote it because I wanted to see the positive side of worrying.

I wrote it because i believe there’s always a silver lining.

I wrote it because for the first time, I wanted to doubt my instincts.

If only I got a clearer picture or maybe words written in black and white.

I was a mess the night before you struck, I was restless, I could not write, I panic ate and even my favourite telenovela didn’t seem to get my attention.

The feeling was too strong and I let my friend know i felt something bad was going to happen.

Not sure when i dosed off on the couch or how i went into the bedroom but the next time I was really conscious was when my phone rang.

That call was the scariest conversation I have had in all my life.

That call got me off my feet and changed my perception about life.

I wish that call never happened.

I wish i woke up to the usual sound of my neighbours car driving off early in the morning.

I wish it was the kids next door disturbing with the keyboard.

Sigh…….

I lost my Dad in August and it’s the most difficult thing to accept.